Sunday, 4 September 2011

Live-In v/s Marriage

"Lust is easy.  Love is hard.  Like is most important."  ~Carl Reiner

When I was in school doing my 8th grade our religion / moral science teacher asked us a question about marriage. It was a simple one...."Do you like love marriage or arranged marriage? and give reason for your choice". Many of us were not even thinking about marriage that time though we expected it to pop up as we were dealing with the sacrament of Marriage in that particular class.

Some of us said love and some said arranged. I don't remember exactly which was majority but I assume most opted for love. The reasons were different as some though Love marriages were more successful than arranged....while some said it was the other way round and some just didn't know why exactly they chose a particular option.

When my turn came I opted for the arranged marriage system. And my teacher commented "Oh! so you think love marriages don't work?" She wasn't one of my favorites and I wasn't one of hers....I didn't like the sarcasm or rather the tone in her voice so I decided to give her my own explanation and not give her the satisfaction that she nailed the reason for it.
I said my reason has nothing to do with the statistics that arranged marriages work or love marriages don't and I don't know which is better but when it comes to my choice I am influenced by the choice that my parents made and the effect that it has on me. My parents had a 100% arranged marriage and it was a success. I have grown up in a family where the arranged marriage was a success and I want mine to be just like theirs. 
Ok! So I didn't tell her those words exactly but she got the message that my choice was based on the fact that my parents who had an arranged marriage were leading a model life that I wished to follow.

But if theirs was a different kind of marriage and if the success of it was a 50% would I have chosen differently? This thought was initiated because of  a recent talk show which we (me and hubby) were watching. The talk show was discussing the topic of Live-In relationship. After a while we began to debate this topic as is usually the case with us.

Note: I hate to admit that my DH is more liberal in his out look when compared to me or shall I say most Indian men...this quality can be attributed to him being a Libra (my conclusion). Sometimes he scares me but I always beat him by asking him his personal preference and I win (LOL!!) because though he supports things that I find a bit hard to accept it is something that he would not venture into but then again he gives valid explanations for that too ( I hate that).  

So as usual DH was all for the Live-In relationship and I was against it. Please don't judge me on my choice if you are someone who favors a Live-In relationship or if you are in one. I basically don't trust this system because I have no friends or relatives who have done this or even tried marriages yes!! but this (upto now) no one has. Plus in an Indian society where this concept is quite new it involves a lot of risk...apart from being isolated. Our country is quite un-modern and people are too static to accept change. This concept is quite common in the metropolitan cities like Bombay, Delhi, Bangalore and Chennai....but that's about it.

Anyway DH argues that this is something that would become common in India within a span of 50 years ( I know...we are way behind) and if he lived during that time span he would definitely go for it. And he asked me whether I would have chosen it if my parents were successful example of a Live-In relationship. Well after giving it some thought I answered him with a maybe. I don't know for sure if I would still opt for it but there are chances I would consider it. I think I would have a constant fear of being dumped and I would be scared to be myself. And pretending and bottling my emotions are something I am not good in the long run I would go mad.  But then again that is me.

Ok! on a more serious note I would like to say that any type of relationship or commitment is a personal choice. We have no right to judge people for the choices they make in their life. And our society should give people the will to choose and not isolate them. Let us just accept the fact that sometimes what we believe is the right choice for us might not seem so to another person. Live-In relationship may not be my personal choice and I would never recommend it but that is that....I would stop there and not point a finger at those who wish to do so.

Some Reference: 


  1. I actually remember this debate in class and if im not wrong i remember the teacher too....;-)

    Live in relationships are considered a taboo in India mainly because of the sense of family and family values. In a country where i find its expensive to get married and cheaper to get divorced live in should have thrived but it doesnt work like that..

    Personally im on your Dh's side not only by logic but by will as well, Like its said in your reference article it's better to live-in rather than lead a divorced life. Living a live-in relationship doesnt always have to be about Am I going to get dumped? its mostly about connveince of both partners, its like an agreement between two like minded indivuals that they would like to co habit for as long as they can with no hard feelings if it doesnt work out.

    Frankly i feel live-ins and marriages are not on the same platform, cause even if we do say marriage is between two indiviuals its actually between two families. ;-)

  2. Hii...Thank you for your comments..I too agree that in India marriages are a family affair. We don't marry just the individual but the whole family ;)

  3. I guess i am on ur side sis :) i'd go for arranged marriage and a concept we cant accept cant be opted for others by us :)


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